Wednesday, November 21, 2012

...and back again



Well, I'm back in Phoenix. After 6 weeks in Texas, I kind of got the idea that there wasn't path forward for me there on a personal or professional level. While I got clean while I was there, and I'm incredible grateful for that, being clean on it's own is worth nothing unless you make your sobriety work for you. And that's what my plan is now. While there's going to be some emotional struggles ahead, I have complete faith and confidence in my ability to control my decisions going into the future, and the most important part of that is staying away from the people and situations that would cause any future relapse.

But, the purpose of this blog, and the chapter of my life that my writing has covered is now over. I've been there and back again, and now it's time to move forward. I may do some more writing in the future, and I will leave this up, but right now, I need to focus on my life and personal well-being. But I hope that my writing has at least helped some of ya'all to understand, in a sense, what addicts, or ex-convicts, go through in life. Because I think if you're able to put a face, or at least get a grasp of what they go through, it's possible you can help as well. Thanks for reading, and being able to reach out and touch even just one person, has made this entire experience worth it. If you want to continue to follow me, subscribe to my public updates on Facebook (click here then click subscribe) or follow me on Google+. Thanks for reading, and thanks for the inspiration you've given me. 

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

teetering on the edge of oblivion




Pretty melancholy post title, eh? Well, I am feeling pretty fucking melancholy. Finding a job out here has been almost next to impossible - and that means I've started bouncing around a bit, rendering the whole "stability" reasoning for me moving here pretty much moot. The only difference between here and Phoenix right now, I guess, is that I am not getting high, which is fabulous (it will be 30 days within the week), but I guess the frustration that I'm having arises out of the fact that I am doing what I am supposed to do (finally, for the first time in a year), and I haven't seen any change in the direction my life is progressing.

I'm not sure exactly how to feel right now - there is a lot of temptation to go back to Phoenix, and I have to admit that it's an option I'm strongly considering. If anything, knowing that I am staying sober now gives me strength to believe that I will not have too many problems in Phoenix...but that may not be true. I know with a job and my own place I will be happier, but things are moving at such a glacial pace out here that I am not really sure how long that will take.

So I come to another fork in the road. I have to wait until I get a new ID sent from Phoenix to travel anywhere, anyway, so I have about a week to make a choice. I don't think that coming out here to Alpine was a bad choice either way, because I feel like maybe I've gotten the inner strength and definitely have figured out the person I am because I've had the clear head to do that. But now I have a clear head, sobriety, and nothing for those two positive things to effect. So maybe it is time to go back home, maybe I just needed to step away from the trees to see the whole forest. But there's a bit part of me, deep inside, that wants to make this work so much, because I'm tired of things not working. I just hope that if it's going to work, it does it soon.

Comments are welcome...

Friday, November 2, 2012

So...what's up with Texas, anyway?



Well, as I've made pretty obvious, about three weeks ago I moved from Phoenix to Alpine, TX (pop. 5,900) to get away from all the hustle, bustle and self-inflicted drama I was causing myself in Phoenix. Ever since I've gotten here, I have been struggling to actually write about Texas, or what things are like here...mainly because I feel like I expected to write about it, and also because while it is a completely different place, I'm not quite sure how to put that into words at this time.

Strange place for a big red ball on top of a pole.


That is where I live. Alpine is in the middle of nowhere - quite literally there is not one full stop light in this town, and the nearest town to us (Fort Davis) is roughly 30 miles up the road. The city is the county seat of Brewster County, Texas (pop 9000), named after a Confederate States of America War General, or something very stereotypical like that. 

The culture is different - it's not all that bad and is actually very pretty country. The air quality improvement is noticeable, it's set back in some low hills that run up to mountains, but still maintains the "Texas feel" - you know, Wild West hotels and shootouts in the town center, or something. 

I can write about the facts of Alpine all day long, but what I've repeatedly struggled with since I've gotten here is my ability to string together a narrative to explain how best I feel here. Because I'm not really sure at all myself. The people here are terribly nice - but the whole cowboy group can get a little shaky sometime. I feel myself pulling back into a situation where I want to be a loner all the time - never happy, never terribly depressed, but working a job, and being in like a stoned melancholy state. 

There are times that I miss Phoenix badly, especially when things are a bit boring around these parts, but what I don't miss about Phoenix is the chaos. The running around, the stress, the temptation, or even the danger - none of that I miss. There's a comfort in being able to ride a bike around town at 2am and not have to worry about a soul being on the road for miles either way. It's very quiet here - and it makes it easier to think things through correctly the first time. 



What I like about Alpine has to do with the Latin concept of Tabula Rasa , or "blank slate". The idea's concept is driven by the idea that humans are not pre-programmed to do anything, and thus are given a "blank slate" on birth to begin to develop their characteristics. Moving to the LITERAL middle of nowhere in a town where no one even knows who you are effectively pushes the "Reset" button on life. I've found myself, and am so sure of myself in a way that I have never been before. But what I continue to struggle with is how to conceptualize my feelings in a way that I can explain to my readers, because I do feel like I'm having some type of special experience. Sometimes I want to leave, but every time I go outside and breathe the air and see the sky under the stars, my mind changes pretty quickly.  But it's a nauseating experience to go back and forth. I just hope that things continue to move forward. And I will keep ya'all posted when they do.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Bad Storm Rising



After an October to forget for President Obama, we are entering the final stretch of the 2012 Presidential Election. After winning the first debate, Mitt Romney had grabbed the upward momentum in the race, and at one point, even held the advantage in the Talking Points Memo Polltracker average of polls:



But in the wake of the devastation on the East Coast via Hurricane Sandy, the President's bold support of federal disaster relief and the bipartisan partnership he's formed with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie may spell the end of hope for a Mitt Romney victory on Election Day.

For example - how much value could a picture like this have in the last week of the election:
Christie invited Obama to New Jersey to tour the areas


Christie's high praise for the President's personal ownership of the FEMA disaster relief efforts form part of a two-pronged political victory for the President. First, the impact of Christie's praise - and why it's such a boost on Election Day:

On Tuesday, Christie did the rounds on morning TV, praising Obama’s performance. “It’s been very good working with the president and his administration,” Christie said on MSNBC. “It’s been wonderful.”

Christie has also made clear that politics is the least of his concerns. When asked in a briefing Tuesday with reporters about how the storm might affect Election Day, he said: “I don’t give a [expletive] about Election Day.”

But here’s the second reason the Obama-Christie team-up, six days before Election Day, is worth its weight in gold to both men’s political futures: Voters – especially independent voters – want more bipartisanship, polls show. This presidential campaign has been the most toxic in memory, but the Obama-Christie photo op is living evidence that when the going gets tough, members of competing parties really can work together.
 Indeed, after a couple years of the shrill bickering of the Tea Party, a high profile Republican governor and President Obama working together to solve the problems put forth by Hurricane Sandy sends an important message that the President is a man of consensus and compromise, as opposed to a legislative bully, an argument that Republicans have been trying to put forth since the President successfully passed Obamacare in his second term.

The second prong in this winning moment for the Obama campaign is the turdtacular response from George W. Bush -era FEMA Director Micheal "Heckuva Job" Brown, who guided the agency during the train wreck that was Hurricane Katrina. His question? "Why did the President respond to dying Americans so fast?":

From the SF Gate:
“One thing he’s gonna be asked is, why did he jump on this so quickly and go back to D.C. so quickly when in…Benghazi, he went to Las Vegas? Why was this so quick?… At some point, somebody’s going to ask that question…. This is like the inverse of Benghazi.”

This, of course, reinforces the obvious idea that even if Jesus came down from the sky and gave the President full marks on the Sandy response, Republican Party leadership would continue to slam him in order to score political points off of the dead bodies of Americans. With Mitt Romney already on the record calling for the end of FEMA as an agency, the Hurricane Sandy disaster has become a nightmare for the Romney campaign - and after a poor final debate, may be the hammer that puts the nail in the coffin for Willard.