let's pause to reflect.

Well, things are beginning to look better, for the first time in weeks. I have some ideas and goals that I have focused on, and some stability. I may write in the next week or so, but at this point I'm letting things sit for a few days. this is like a vacation, so I'll enjoy it a bit. see you on the other side. 

spontaneous combustion

i've been clean for a little over 48 hours now. this isn't necessarily intentional, until I kind of noticed...and so I guess it's intentional now. it's interesting that I couldn't make myself conform to someone else's motivations or reasoning for making me quit for any amount of time, but now things just kind of make sense to me. so why not?

the unfortunate parts of stepping away from a major addiction issue is how hyper emotional you become. I go from tears to joy in a matter of 3 seconds, usually one on top of the other. I can handle that, but I just wish that I still had the friends that I could just go kick it with in the middle of the day, because all I want to do is get stoned, cry, and be held, maybe with some decent food stuck in the middle. I guess nothing's perfect, and that's fine, but I hope that things can stay this way for me because this is the way I want to be.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST QUIT?!!

i'm proud to offer an all - time first for there and back again: totally random PG-13 self-pics of myself to the first 1000 readers of this post. hey, it can't hurt page views.

now for your real post: i've recently put more thought into the concepts of sober people (non drug addicts) buying into the argument that with a whole lot of "want" paired with a few AA meetings will end anyone's addiction issue. the overarching theme of arguments of this nature is more or less summed up like this: "they can just quit if they really want to".

this attitude reinforces the already absurd level of contempt that drug addicts face into today's society: kicked out by friends or family, with no one to call for help because suddenly friends don't want to help so much when it comes down to actually being there for someone.

told to go to a halfway house, that while you are there that you won't be able to enjoy some of your most fun hobbies, ones that are so important because it's the only time drugs don't enter my mind, guaranteed. so give up your only joys, your friends, and your home, and go live with a bunch of other drug addicts and felons. you don't get a chance; because you're now a "addict" or an "ex-con", and any potential mistake is a total disaster, causing absurd overreactions, ultimatums, and just more amounts of absurd stress.

so when you want to ask the drug addict in your life, "why can't you just quit", just remember that you are ripping every single positive thing in someone's life, everything they built, people they loved, away from them. then after that, you ask them to deal with mental anguish and isolation, while living in a group home full of other people just as addicted to drugs. and then they need to quit a chemical dependence cold turkey on top of it?

what if by the time you realized you had to quit, there was nothing to quit for?

The Story So Far

Well, it's been an interesting few weeks. As some of you may know, I had a couple setbacks in my personal and professional life that had more or less pushed the "Reset" button on the progress I had made since being released from incarceration in November. I'm sure some expected the worst, and while things have gone far from roses, I have been holding up well enough, and I'm happy to inform everyone that some progress is being made on the professional front, and the personal front is holding up okay as well.

Initially, it was looking like I may have been moving out of state, and that is still up in the air at this point. A fresh start would be nice, but what would be nicer is the ability to stay here and stay involved in the community that I love. I did lose the job that I love as well as the place that I stayed, but with the kindness of some friends, I am bouncing around, but at least have a mattress to sleep on every night. The one thing that I truly do miss the most is being able to create the graphic art that I truly did love doing, as well as my writing. This is unfortunately the first opportunity that I've had to write. Bouncing around between some admittedly less than ideal places has been rocky at times, but has also taught me that I have the ability to be a survivor, and that even the biggest setbacks won't necessarily doom me for life. There's not much more I can say than that right now - but I am eternally grateful for those that continue to stand by me and give their love and support. Hope to hear from you all soon.