"The Last American Closet"

Yesterday, the NOH8 campaign made this Facebook post, with a photo of New York Jets Cornerback Antonio Cromartie, touting a conversation with him and pimping an episode of HBO's Real Sports referring to professional sports as "THE LAST AMERICAN CLOSET." Boy, am I sure glad we have Bryant Gumbel here to declare to all the bullied youth of America, the transgendered and those who do not have the fortune to live in New York, San Francisco, or hell, even Phoenix, Arizona, that it's "Safe to come out now".

I think maybe we might have more success in preventing teen suicides, or cutting back on bullying, if we remember to validate those who live in the cities and towns off the beaten track in our country. I have no need to feel closested in Texas, or anywhere, really - but time moves more slowly out here for some.

Out and About

“not-out” phobia in today’s gay community

I had somewhat of an epiphany tonight, ironically, while I was browsing Adam4Adam (this is a gay dating/hookup site – yes, there is dating if that is what you are looking for) . I got a message from a guy – seemed nice enough, we chatted a bit, he’s cute, on and on. It eventually comes out that he isn’t out of the closet. He’s 23 years old, almost done with college. It seemed so foreign to me – and I remembered my typical (and rather callous) line “Well, I don’t date guys who aren’t out – I had my identity crisis, I don’t need someone else’s”.



I came out of the closet at 16 years old, then I took that shit and ran with it. Before I came out of the closet, I was pretty much your stereotypical picked-on kid – socially awkward, short tempered, fat (200 lbs at 13), and friendless. After I came out of the closet, my life did an almost complete 180 – I lost 50 pounds, had all kinds of friends, and juggled about 3 different guys off and on for my entire junior year.  It was, by far, the best thing that happened in my entire life – even if the rest of my life is a total disaster.

Drawing the Line on Same-Sex Marriage

the time has come: friends and family, you’re either with us or against us

Yet another new poll out today showing national support for same-sex marriage at an all time high: (from CNN/ORC)

Indeedy, it is getting better. A CNN/ORC poll released yesterday revealed that 54% of Americans believe same-sex marriage should be made legal. 42% still oppose the idea, but with the support at the highest levels since 2008, the news is a ray of sunshine warming our smiling faces through the storm clouds. (Forgive the cheese.) 73% of people polled aged 18-34 gave their support.

Same sex marriage at a +12 favorability nationally is pretty stunning to see, but it seems like that’s pretty close to the actual number, with this May 23rd Washington Post/ABC Poll showing support at 53-39 (+14). The most stunning number is that 3 out of every 4 people under the age of 35 back same-sex marriage, putting that issue on the same level as interracial marriage in a very real sense (roughly 25% of Americans are publicly against interracial marriage). More interesting stat lines from the polling:

Less than a quarter, 23 percent, of Republicans supported marriage equality, compared with 70 percent of Democrats.
60 percent of people said they had a family member or close friend who was gay, compared with 45 percent in 2007.

The most dramatic take from this data is how far out of the social mainstream the Republican Party has come. With only 23% in support, that means that the polling must have found roughly 60-65% overall support for same sex marriage between Democrats and independents. President Obama’s historic endorsement of same sex marriage seems to be the catalyst at pushing same sex marriage support into the driver’s seat on a permanent basis, even in the African-American community, where same sex marriage struggled to gain a foothold previously.
But what does that mean for us? The main point to be drawn from all of the above is that now, more than ever, the war for public opinion is over. The 65+, super conservative voting bloc is pretty much cancelled out because the rest of the country is with us. And the fact is, the time for fence sitting is over.


I’m sure many LGBTQ individuals can relate to having that one friend or family member that just can’t bring themselves to support same sex marriage, but boy, are they sure nice to you! Hey, they think you should be able to see your “partner” at the hospital, but “marriage is marriage”! Maybe it’s because of their religion, or they just are a “traditionalist”.

Well, here’s the thing: When roughly 7/10 non-crazy people agree that not allowing same-sex marriages is a violation of civil and human rights because it denies equality, your support for denying equal rights to gay and lesbian Americans is no longer acceptable because the rest of us have evolved enough to realize that it is a bigoted, discriminative and morally abhorrent position that, very shortly, will be as socially acceptable as a KKK cross-burning. Get with the program. The simple fact is, on a personal level, how you can look me in the face and profess your “love” or “care” for me while simultaneously supporting the government’s ability to legally discriminate against me for something I can’t control is SICK. It’s wrong, and it’s fucked up.


And I am sorry if you just “can’t do it”. Maybe it’s the Bible, or whatever backwards, outdated, and usually outrageous excuse that you use to justify your innate homophobia, but here’s the deal: we’re done. To those in my life that don’t support my fundamental right to marry whomever I choose, then fuck off. This might seem callous, but why do I want to remain on speaking terms with someone who believes that I should be discriminated against in the eyes of the law? I am not friends with any white supremacists, or neo-Nazis. I am sure as hell not going to be associating with anyone who’s a bigot and homophobe, and yes, when you’re a homophobe, and believe in discrimination, that absolutely makes you a bigot. You are NO BETTER than a racist or a sexist. History will judge you that way, and I have no interest in associating with someone who will be known as a member of the last generation that opposed same-sex marriage in America.

What about Tyler?

In the wake of Dharun Ravi’s sentencing for his role in Tyler Clementi’s suicide, not many seem concerned about the boy who ended up dead

The Shame of Dharun Ravi: The Boy Who Can't Say Sorry

Sandip Roy, writing for The Huffington Post, hits on some good points in the above article over the lamentations of the family of Dharun Ravi, the former Rutgers University student that was convicted of “bias intimidation” for his role filming Tyler Clementi’s encounter with another man. At Ravi’s sentencing, Ravi’s mother stated:

Ravi's tears came when his mother told the court how the last couple of years had been a living hell for him.
His smile and bright eyes are gone, lamented his mother. For the past 20 months, Ravi, she said, had not gone anywhere to "even grab a sandwich." "He literally eats only one meal a day as he suppresses his hunger. He has lost more than 25 pounds going through his ordeal," she said tearfully.
One mother is mourning a dead son. The other mother ended her statement to the judge with this line
I am hoping and waiting to see Dharun eat as any 20-year-old would.

How is this even remotely morally acceptable? Indeed, the Ravi family, including Dharun himself, have seemed at best, indifferent to the fact that their son contributed in a very major way to Tyler Clementi’s suicide. Perhaps that was born of the very justified outrage that Ravi could be sentenced to a decade in prison at the maximum. Perhaps there’s latent homophobia in the family, or perhaps it’s the cultural differences, as the Ravi family are immigrants. The ten year sentence was unacceptable for  a kid being immature – 30 days seems fairly appropriate. A large block of prison time was never the answer – pranks that are just as bad happen on a daily basis, and while it was a mistake on Ravi’s part, it certainly shouldn’t cost him a decade of his life. Yet, the one thing we have not heard so much from Dharun Ravi is an apology for what he did – accepting accountability for his actions. Instead, we hear lame excuses as to why he shouldn’t say sorry:

Ravi cannot find the words to apologize. However, he somehow found the words to explain why he did not apologize. "Anything I say now would sound rehearsed and empty and nothing I say is going to make people hate me any less," he told the Star Ledger newspaper. ""Whatever I say will never change the Clementi’s mind about me, or how people see me."

The idea that Ravi is truly sorry doesn’t even cross his mind – the only concern that Dharun has is for how the public and the Clementi family see him – which shows how little he has learned from the incident, how little concern he has for others, and his own obsession with himself and his justification for his passively homophobic behavior. To see his team of lawyers appeal his 30 day jail sentence is almost a direct slap in the face to the Clementi family and LGBTQ Americans.
The bottom line is this – while a 10 year prison sentence, or all those felony convictions, are or would have been a complete overreaction, a 30 day jail term is not. And Ravi’s inability to apologize or show remorse for his behavior is just as unacceptable as that 10 year prison sentence. Shame on the Ravi family. Sandip Roy puts it best:

But Dharun Ravi, it's not about you. You don't apologize to change people's minds or how people see you. You apologize because something you did caused terrible damage, even if unintended, in someone else's life. You apologize for what you have done, for what has happened. A true apology comes without strings attached. And it has nothing to do with whether the Clementi family were as supportive of their son as they should have been.

Morning in Gaymerica

On heels of President Obama’s endorsement of marriage equality, supporters have grabbed a decisive lead in national polling

Opposition to gay marriage hits historic low - WaPo/ABC Poll

Opponents who claimed that President Obama may be political trouble because of his endorsement of same sex marriage may have to face up to the music soon – as the President’s recent announcement has solidified the continuing upward trend in public support for same sex marriage. The Washington Post/ABC Poll puts support for same sex marriage at it’s highest in a national poll in American history, with 53% supporting and 39% opposed, a +14 favorability that seemed almost unfathomable even three weeks ago. Even more incredible:

The poll also finds that 59 percent of African Americans say they support same-sex marriage, up from an average of 41 percent in polls leading up to Obama’s announcement of his new position on the matter.

The media meme, post-endorsement, was that the President was risking losing all kinds of black voters to Mitt Romney, which is insane on face, for any variety of reasons. Instead of turning away from the Obama campaign, black cultural icons and organizations have placed their bets with the President. Music legend Jay-Z offered this powerful endorsement of marriage equality in an interview last week, and the NAACP offered their endorsement in the last week as well.
The simple fact is that it was the time and the place to endorse marriage equality – and good leaders know when the time to lead has come. The President’s legacy will forever be intertwined with the fact that his endorsement could very well have given the marriage equality movement the final push it needed to get over the finish line. With support increasing at even half this rate, we should expect federal marriage equality within 10 years, if not sooner.

Who's the real bully?

This week wrapped up the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington -- the annual event is the GOP and far-right equivalent of a massive circle jerk, where speakers such as Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, etc, go on stage and attempt to be as theocratic/conservative as possible in order to win a worthless straw poll that is representative of the farthest of the far right fringe in the US.

Anyway -- other things happen here as well. Symposiums, awards, vendors set up booths, the list could go on and on. The end result is that there's a fairly large mix of conservatives descending on Washington for the week. With the news on the 9th Circuit Court's overturning of Prop 8 fresh, some GLBT and liberal media sources and bloggers have decided to check out the rather large amount of Craigslist "m4m" (male for male) personal ads from admitted CPAC attendees.

Queerty -- Cruising CPAC

But as HyperVocal points out, the conservative cabal is also a hotbed of homo cruising (presumably of the closeted kind). Slade Sohmer trolled recent Craigslist postings in the DC area and came up with quite a few CPAC-related M4M ads.

The irony, of course, is the less than friendly platform the Republican Party has taken towards GLBT equality, especially at a convention where moderate positions on much of anything are not tolerated at all. The qualifier from the Queerty article was what I wanted to hit on:

 And we’re genuinely rooting for this lot, hoping all these guys score—it doesn’t matter what side of the aisle you sit on, or what you sit on, everyone’s entitled to some lovin’ they prefer.”

Of course they are -- but if it "doesn't matter what side of the aisle you sit on" then why are we even posting childish taunts about CPAC attendees on Craigslist anyway? The fact is that many young conservatives -- even conservatives that might be considered "fringe" in most other ways -- have come around to supporting marriage equality and some other GLBT rights. Even on the far right, trends have continued to show that support for GLBT equality is not driven by the "Right V. Left" mind frame but is actually driven by a generation gap, with younger Americans generally friendly towards equal rights. 


As a movement that is beginning to come into it's own at a fairly rapid pace, I think it's incredibly important that we behave in a mature manner. The post that I mentioned read like a nasty high school gossip letter, and  if I were a closeted, gay Republican male who was considering offering my support, or even coming out of the closet, I would feel distinctly less comfortable after seeing things like this. 


While there are a litany of other issues that pro-equality conservatives are dead wrong on, the movement for equality is not so inevitable that we can afford to pick and choose whom we are taking on as supporters. Belittling, childish behavior will never help gay Americans get the equality that is rightfully ours. While the humor of things like the Larry Craig incident is never going to be lost on me, at some point, I think we have to grow above it. 

 

Too Early to Come Out?

Queerty takes a look at a really interesting topic this morning: if there should be an age requirement for "coming out" as gay or lesbian, and if so, what that age requirement should be.

Is 8 Years Old Too Young to Come Out?

With many kids coming out earlier and earlier, I think it's a valid question and one that probably needs to be discussed, especially given the increase in tolerance and acceptance of homosexuality in general. The link goes into detail about the mother of an eight year old girl who informed her mother than she "just knew" she was a lesbian and that she had played around with another girl her age.

The mother was supportive, although remained skeptical:

My 8-year-old daughter told me that she “just knows” that she is gay. I find this hard to believe. She told me about an incident where she and a (girl) friend got undressed in front of each other and “rolled around naked” on her bed. I asked for more details, explaining that she might feel better to get it off her chest. She cried a lot and while she did not give more information, she insisted that she could just feel it that she’s a lesbian.

I assured that it would not matter to me at all, but she may be a little young to know conclusively. What do you think? Could she know?

 This is a really interesting question because a practical response is kind of tough to have here: while we certainly would never question an 8 year old boy or girl having a school age crush on someone, it's probably valid to say that at that age, your feelings are far from shaped in terms of your lifelong sexual preference, and it's easy to see a child eventually finding out that they may have expressed themselves incorrectly. Given the rather weighty implications of coming out of the closet at any age, and the way that your sexuality ends up framing your life, it becomes rather difficult to clearly see how to deal with a child coming out at this age, especially if they decide to have a discussion about this with more than just their parents.

It seems to me that this wouldn't be such a problem if there wasn't the focus on sexuality that there is today; anything that a kid says when they are 8 years old shouldn't have a bearing on them in the long term. Society's emphasis on attractiveness and sexuality is extremely pervasive; so much so that even at such a young age that it is noticeable, both consciously and sub-consciously.

I think that given the situation, there is no "too early" to come out -- I knew I was gay by the age of 8, but I didn't actually know what "gay" meant -- I just knew I liked boys. What do you think?