flashes in the dark

i think the biggest problem i've had since i stopped using is the fact that my desire and skill at writing has gone from something that i considered a strength to something that has become akin to a flash of light in the darkness - fleeting, dim, random, and never bright enough to really matter. when i speak, i feel like instead of tending towards sounding confident, i can sometimes tend to sound shrill, inflexible, or even angry. communicating with people has always been easy for me.

and now it's not. for some reason, my signal's frequency has changed. i went it alone for so long that i forced myself into kind of a social self-imposed exile - and now i'm too scared to come out of it for fear of my fragile, newly-positive life being knocked over like a jenga tower. i don't want to go on dates with boys because i remember how bad it was to be hurt by another person. i remember the hurt, insecurity, mistrust and the endless games. i don't grow close to people - because i don't want to feel like a burden. the few people i have let in are there because they have really proven themselves so much that they have overcome my intense anxiety regarding intimacy (of any kind).

it feels like the part of my brain that controls my interpersonal communication sometimes blows a short. and even though i am incredibly happy with my life right now, for some reason, most days of the week i feel my life is incredibly lonely as well.

...and back again

Well, I'm back in Phoenix. After 6 weeks in Texas, I kind of got the idea that there wasn't path forward for me there on a personal or professional level. While I got clean while I was there, and I'm incredible grateful for that, being clean on it's own is worth nothing unless you make your sobriety work for you. And that's what my plan is now. While there's going to be some emotional struggles ahead, I have complete faith and confidence in my ability to control my decisions going into the future, and the most important part of that is staying away from the people and situations that would cause any future relapse.

But, the purpose of this blog, and the chapter of my life that my writing has covered is now over. I've been there and back again, and now it's time to move forward. I may do some more writing in the future, and I will leave this up, but right now, I need to focus on my life and personal well-being. But I hope that my writing has at least helped some of ya'all to understand, in a sense, what addicts, or ex-convicts, go through in life. Because I think if you're able to put a face, or at least get a grasp of what they go through, it's possible you can help as well. Thanks for reading, and being able to reach out and touch even just one person, has made this entire experience worth it. If you want to continue to follow me, subscribe to my public updates on Facebook (click here then click subscribe) or follow me on Google+. Thanks for reading, and thanks for the inspiration you've given me. 

teetering on the edge of oblivion

Pretty melancholy post title, eh? Well, I am feeling pretty fucking melancholy. Finding a job out here has been almost next to impossible - and that means I've started bouncing around a bit, rendering the whole "stability" reasoning for me moving here pretty much moot. The only difference between here and Phoenix right now, I guess, is that I am not getting high, which is fabulous (it will be 30 days within the week), but I guess the frustration that I'm having arises out of the fact that I am doing what I am supposed to do (finally, for the first time in a year), and I haven't seen any change in the direction my life is progressing.

I'm not sure exactly how to feel right now - there is a lot of temptation to go back to Phoenix, and I have to admit that it's an option I'm strongly considering. If anything, knowing that I am staying sober now gives me strength to believe that I will not have too many problems in Phoenix...but that may not be true. I know with a job and my own place I will be happier, but things are moving at such a glacial pace out here that I am not really sure how long that will take.

So I come to another fork in the road. I have to wait until I get a new ID sent from Phoenix to travel anywhere, anyway, so I have about a week to make a choice. I don't think that coming out here to Alpine was a bad choice either way, because I feel like maybe I've gotten the inner strength and definitely have figured out the person I am because I've had the clear head to do that. But now I have a clear head, sobriety, and nothing for those two positive things to effect. So maybe it is time to go back home, maybe I just needed to step away from the trees to see the whole forest. But there's a bit part of me, deep inside, that wants to make this work so much, because I'm tired of things not working. I just hope that if it's going to work, it does it soon.

Comments are welcome...

So...what's up with Texas, anyway?

Well, as I've made pretty obvious, about three weeks ago I moved from Phoenix to Alpine, TX (pop. 5,900) to get away from all the hustle, bustle and self-inflicted drama I was causing myself in Phoenix. Ever since I've gotten here, I have been struggling to actually write about Texas, or what things are like here...mainly because I feel like I expected to write about it, and also because while it is a completely different place, I'm not quite sure how to put that into words at this time.

Strange place for a big red ball on top of a pole.

That is where I live. Alpine is in the middle of nowhere - quite literally there is not one full stop light in this town, and the nearest town to us (Fort Davis) is roughly 30 miles up the road. The city is the county seat of Brewster County, Texas (pop 9000), named after a Confederate States of America War General, or something very stereotypical like that. 

The culture is different - it's not all that bad and is actually very pretty country. The air quality improvement is noticeable, it's set back in some low hills that run up to mountains, but still maintains the "Texas feel" - you know, Wild West hotels and shootouts in the town center, or something. 

I can write about the facts of Alpine all day long, but what I've repeatedly struggled with since I've gotten here is my ability to string together a narrative to explain how best I feel here. Because I'm not really sure at all myself. The people here are terribly nice - but the whole cowboy group can get a little shaky sometime. I feel myself pulling back into a situation where I want to be a loner all the time - never happy, never terribly depressed, but working a job, and being in like a stoned melancholy state. 

There are times that I miss Phoenix badly, especially when things are a bit boring around these parts, but what I don't miss about Phoenix is the chaos. The running around, the stress, the temptation, or even the danger - none of that I miss. There's a comfort in being able to ride a bike around town at 2am and not have to worry about a soul being on the road for miles either way. It's very quiet here - and it makes it easier to think things through correctly the first time. 

What I like about Alpine has to do with the Latin concept of Tabula Rasa , or "blank slate". The idea's concept is driven by the idea that humans are not pre-programmed to do anything, and thus are given a "blank slate" on birth to begin to develop their characteristics. Moving to the LITERAL middle of nowhere in a town where no one even knows who you are effectively pushes the "Reset" button on life. I've found myself, and am so sure of myself in a way that I have never been before. But what I continue to struggle with is how to conceptualize my feelings in a way that I can explain to my readers, because I do feel like I'm having some type of special experience. Sometimes I want to leave, but every time I go outside and breathe the air and see the sky under the stars, my mind changes pretty quickly.  But it's a nauseating experience to go back and forth. I just hope that things continue to move forward. And I will keep ya'all posted when they do.

Liberation Day

So, I've finally found a desktop computer so that I can do a bit of writing. Quite a bit has happened since I slid completely into hell, which was followed by this post, where I launched a pretty miserable pity party for myself. Shortly thereafter, for some reason, my desire to use just subsided, and as that happened, things began to come together quite a bit for me. Unfortunately, with an unstable living situation (anytime you live with crackheads, it's pretty much an uncontrollable slide towards insanity), I decided my best option was to take the offer of a friend and move east - and that landed me here in Alpine, Texas (population 5,900).

Downtown mural (ZC)

I expected a culture shock, and haven't really gotten it. But what I am grateful for is the feeling of being liberated from an addiction that has swallowed my life whole for upwards of a year. It's an incredible feeling when you make the transition from just "being sober", or not using, to actually getting your life back, and feeling like the person you used to be again. Simply put, doing drugs isn't an option here - because I don't know, or even care to find them.

That isn't to simplify the matter, or say that I will never run into an addiction issue ever again - quite the contrary, once you are an addict you are an addict for life. But for the first time in over 2.5 years, I realized that I can have a good time, and be in a good mood - while being sober. I can't say that something necessarily caused that - like say, going to meetings, or joining AA - it just kind of clicked. Meetings were never the answer for me - nor was AA - I simply don't buy the idea of "powerlessness" or some blind faith in an omnipotent being to cure me of my drug addiction. This had to be done my way, or no way at all - and that way included me moving 800 miles east into the middle of nowhere. But it's what it took, and I am clean now. Hopefully to stay, but it is an incredible feeling to have the burdens of having to go chase money or talk to people to get drugs. It's one of the most incredibly liberating feelings I've ever had, and I'm grateful that I figured things out in enough time to have that feeling.   

The mountains south of town. (ZC)

So, the focus of this blog is probably going to shift a bit back to political and pop culture issues, but there will be plenty of personal reflection still left over. My story is far from finished and I hope that you all will stay with me as I navigate West Texas. Thanks for reading.

Deep in the heart...

Just wanted to let you folks know I made it. Will update soon. Wish you the best.

I'm asking for your help.

Okay, here's the deal, folks. I know this is going to come across as quite a request, but I have to ask. I have a chance to move to Texas, with a job and a stable living situation lined up. I do not have that here. I am short on bus fare. I am asking if anyone can help. The bus is around $140.00 one way after taxes, or a train from Tucson is $75.00 if I am able to get there. I know this is asking an absurd amount, and this is very public, but I am getting a chance to hit the reset button, go a place where I don't know where to get drugs, and start all over again. I need this, desperately, more than anyone could imagine. I can't let this pass me buy, and I am willing to consent to any terms possible to get this done. Thanks for reading this and I hope, maybe, you'll consider my request. I know not many of you know me personally, so thanks for reading and considering my request. You have no idea how much it would mean to me. 

If you're interested, you can contact me via Facebook by clicking here or by emailing  me at zachary.j.cook@gmail.com.

Breakthrough



Hey!

It's weird and probably a lot of unnessesary pressure to put on myself, but I feel good about where I am at as a person and in my recovery. I feel like maybe I have turned the mystical "corner" for drug addiction - I mean, yes, the cravings/etc are all still there and obviously just delightful to deal with - but I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that light is approaching at a speed that is totally unexpected but obviously incredibly awesome.

When you are getting high, even if it doesn't seem like it, the rest of the world goes into kind of a "haze". While things like wanting to get a job, or being in a romantic relationship, or even common things like going out for a drink or going out to dinner are concerns in an abstract sense, in practicality they don't actually matter too much because hey, you want to get high, and that's that. But as I've stayed sober, the old me has finally seen a little bit of the other side - I realized what people were missing when they don't have the money to go out with friends, or to just enjoy life's every day pleasures. The reasons why you want money besides getting high. that in a real sense, there's something more to life. I'm obviously not out of the water just yet,  but I feel like that there's a real opportunity here for me to bring myself out of this. Next step is working on a job, but at least that means there's room for the next step. Thanks for reading and maybe after I finally get things settled, I might be able to start posting about non personal (aka topical) stuff. But given that I still have to live with two crackheads in a one bedroom apartment, stability is a lot to ask. I'll see you guys soon.

let's pause to reflect.

Well, things are beginning to look better, for the first time in weeks. I have some ideas and goals that I have focused on, and some stability. I may write in the next week or so, but at this point I'm letting things sit for a few days. this is like a vacation, so I'll enjoy it a bit. see you on the other side. 

spontaneous combustion

i've been clean for a little over 48 hours now. this isn't necessarily intentional, until I kind of noticed...and so I guess it's intentional now. it's interesting that I couldn't make myself conform to someone else's motivations or reasoning for making me quit for any amount of time, but now things just kind of make sense to me. so why not?

the unfortunate parts of stepping away from a major addiction issue is how hyper emotional you become. I go from tears to joy in a matter of 3 seconds, usually one on top of the other. I can handle that, but I just wish that I still had the friends that I could just go kick it with in the middle of the day, because all I want to do is get stoned, cry, and be held, maybe with some decent food stuck in the middle. I guess nothing's perfect, and that's fine, but I hope that things can stay this way for me because this is the way I want to be.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST QUIT?!!

i'm proud to offer an all - time first for there and back again: totally random PG-13 self-pics of myself to the first 1000 readers of this post. hey, it can't hurt page views.

now for your real post: i've recently put more thought into the concepts of sober people (non drug addicts) buying into the argument that with a whole lot of "want" paired with a few AA meetings will end anyone's addiction issue. the overarching theme of arguments of this nature is more or less summed up like this: "they can just quit if they really want to".

this attitude reinforces the already absurd level of contempt that drug addicts face into today's society: kicked out by friends or family, with no one to call for help because suddenly friends don't want to help so much when it comes down to actually being there for someone.

told to go to a halfway house, that while you are there that you won't be able to enjoy some of your most fun hobbies, ones that are so important because it's the only time drugs don't enter my mind, guaranteed. so give up your only joys, your friends, and your home, and go live with a bunch of other drug addicts and felons. you don't get a chance; because you're now a "addict" or an "ex-con", and any potential mistake is a total disaster, causing absurd overreactions, ultimatums, and just more amounts of absurd stress.

so when you want to ask the drug addict in your life, "why can't you just quit", just remember that you are ripping every single positive thing in someone's life, everything they built, people they loved, away from them. then after that, you ask them to deal with mental anguish and isolation, while living in a group home full of other people just as addicted to drugs. and then they need to quit a chemical dependence cold turkey on top of it?

what if by the time you realized you had to quit, there was nothing to quit for?

The Story So Far

Well, it's been an interesting few weeks. As some of you may know, I had a couple setbacks in my personal and professional life that had more or less pushed the "Reset" button on the progress I had made since being released from incarceration in November. I'm sure some expected the worst, and while things have gone far from roses, I have been holding up well enough, and I'm happy to inform everyone that some progress is being made on the professional front, and the personal front is holding up okay as well.

Initially, it was looking like I may have been moving out of state, and that is still up in the air at this point. A fresh start would be nice, but what would be nicer is the ability to stay here and stay involved in the community that I love. I did lose the job that I love as well as the place that I stayed, but with the kindness of some friends, I am bouncing around, but at least have a mattress to sleep on every night. The one thing that I truly do miss the most is being able to create the graphic art that I truly did love doing, as well as my writing. This is unfortunately the first opportunity that I've had to write. Bouncing around between some admittedly less than ideal places has been rocky at times, but has also taught me that I have the ability to be a survivor, and that even the biggest setbacks won't necessarily doom me for life. There's not much more I can say than that right now - but I am eternally grateful for those that continue to stand by me and give their love and support. Hope to hear from you all soon.

Square One

This is a strictly personal post coming from a difficult time and place for me. I have been struggling, on a daily basis, to somehow tread water and not go under, but any swimmer can tell you that no matter how good of an athlete you are, you can only tread water for so long.

For the last few months I have been riding a constantly shifting field of emotions and feelings inside of my head. One moment laughs, then the next I become sad, almost inconsolable. And as an addict, I began to return to old comforts and ways. By the time I figured out that this was no way to live, wandering around at 4am after being locked out, it was too late. I've forfeited the trust that was shown to me by people I care deeply for - and now I am paying the ultimate prices, in terms of losing the job I love, the home I have, and the work and skills I have worked to build in the time I have been released from prison.

So now I go back to square one - wherever that is. The path forward is not particularly clear, nor comforting - and this may be the last time you hear from me for a while. Just know that from the bottom of my heart, if we have shared a moment, or you made me smile or laugh or even cry, I thank you so much for providing even a fleeting moment of joy in what has been the most emotionally demanding part of my life. Maybe this will pass like nothing and I won't even be gone long enough for anyone to miss. Or it could be forever - but I truly wish and hope that I get to make it back this far again.

Thanks
-Zach

I won’t be voting Obama this year.

So much for that whole “voting is a civil right” thing.


I have to admit, that outside of the online world, I’ve been a little hesitant to get involved in the actual ground campaign work that I was in the 2008 cycle. Why? Well, we can surely credit laziness for a bit of that – I am not exactly the definition of a “go-getter” in any traditional sense. But a very large reason for my lack of commitment “IRL” (in real life) , is told in this video:

I feel like shit emotionally.

There, I said it. I sat here for about 5 and a half minutes trying to think of a crafty title for this “vlog” and I don’t think any of them quite convey how I’m feeling like the words above.

( ALSO: SINCE MOST OF YOU WILL NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO, BE ADVISED THAT THIS VIDEO IS NOT REFERRING TO ANYONE OTHER THAN MYSELF. I STATE IT MULTIPLE TIMES THEREIN BUT PLEASE - NO FACEBOOK DRAMA)

Here’s the video:

What does Zach do all day?

Here's my first "VLOG"...LOL

Oh boy. Here we go.

Hey all,
Thanks for coming by. There is some older content on here, this is actually my old blog kind of “re-branded”. Ever since my release from prison, writing has been an outlet for me, but occasionally, I need more than 500 words for it, so that, with my combined passion for making incredibly complex, time consuming web pages, brought this out. This isn’t going to center on one particular topic, but over the next week, I’ll be speaking out regarding some important things. Anything I post is public – you’re welcome to participate. You don’t have to register for Blogger – I spent 3.5 hours getting that “Facebook Comments” thing to work, so utilize it, it’s pretty cool. I’ll write something later today, or tonight. Until then…
Check out the About Me page, which kind of has “a story so far”.
And I’d love for you to read one of my previous posts from a few months ago if you get a chance…
I'm Coming Out (Again)
Some may have read it already, if so, that’s great. Here’s a clip:

With that being said, the whole experience of being locked up in a prison is very much walking on eggshells--if you mess up it could be very bad for you, so you have to be alert at all times. Prison is by far the most polite place I have ever been to -- excuse me, thank you, sorry, was almost required if you didn't want to piss someone off. I got off lucky because I've generally been a polite person my whole life. I was never involved or even came close to being involved in any type of altercation -- generally, I found that if you minded your own business, didn't borrow from a person and run up a bill, and stayed polite, you will most likely not have any problems. 95% of the people in a prison are there to do their time and go.
With that being said, it was a difficult adjustment. My general life experience has not been with a group like this, and I had never even been arrested before this charge. I found it difficult to relate, and will probably always. Convicts and felons live in an entirely different world that non-offenders, down to the places they stay, things they prioritize, relationships, upbringing, and language. In order to really "get along" in prison, your entire paradigm on life has to change. I heard things I never thought I would hear. Generally, almost every single person is in there because of something drugs drove them to do -- even if it's assault, forgery, ID theft, etc, so that's generally the back story. Most of these guys are not bad people at all -- in fact, after my release, I find some to be some of the more real and helpful people I've ever met -- and they are extremely loyal to the people that are close to them. When convicts are released, 95% of the time they have no intention of re-offending, they want to stay sober, but the problem is that because all they have done for the last X amount of years is spend time with other felons, it's extremely hard to go back into a world of people who aren't.

 
Anyway – thanks for checking me (it/this?) out.