...and back again

Well, I'm back in Phoenix. After 6 weeks in Texas, I kind of got the idea that there wasn't path forward for me there on a personal or professional level. While I got clean while I was there, and I'm incredible grateful for that, being clean on it's own is worth nothing unless you make your sobriety work for you. And that's what my plan is now. While there's going to be some emotional struggles ahead, I have complete faith and confidence in my ability to control my decisions going into the future, and the most important part of that is staying away from the people and situations that would cause any future relapse.

But, the purpose of this blog, and the chapter of my life that my writing has covered is now over. I've been there and back again, and now it's time to move forward. I may do some more writing in the future, and I will leave this up, but right now, I need to focus on my life and personal well-being. But I hope that my writing has at least helped some of ya'all to understand, in a sense, what addicts, or ex-convicts, go through in life. Because I think if you're able to put a face, or at least get a grasp of what they go through, it's possible you can help as well. Thanks for reading, and being able to reach out and touch even just one person, has made this entire experience worth it. If you want to continue to follow me, subscribe to my public updates on Facebook (click here then click subscribe) or follow me on Google+. Thanks for reading, and thanks for the inspiration you've given me. 

So...what's up with Texas, anyway?

Well, as I've made pretty obvious, about three weeks ago I moved from Phoenix to Alpine, TX (pop. 5,900) to get away from all the hustle, bustle and self-inflicted drama I was causing myself in Phoenix. Ever since I've gotten here, I have been struggling to actually write about Texas, or what things are like here...mainly because I feel like I expected to write about it, and also because while it is a completely different place, I'm not quite sure how to put that into words at this time.

Strange place for a big red ball on top of a pole.

That is where I live. Alpine is in the middle of nowhere - quite literally there is not one full stop light in this town, and the nearest town to us (Fort Davis) is roughly 30 miles up the road. The city is the county seat of Brewster County, Texas (pop 9000), named after a Confederate States of America War General, or something very stereotypical like that. 

The culture is different - it's not all that bad and is actually very pretty country. The air quality improvement is noticeable, it's set back in some low hills that run up to mountains, but still maintains the "Texas feel" - you know, Wild West hotels and shootouts in the town center, or something. 

I can write about the facts of Alpine all day long, but what I've repeatedly struggled with since I've gotten here is my ability to string together a narrative to explain how best I feel here. Because I'm not really sure at all myself. The people here are terribly nice - but the whole cowboy group can get a little shaky sometime. I feel myself pulling back into a situation where I want to be a loner all the time - never happy, never terribly depressed, but working a job, and being in like a stoned melancholy state. 

There are times that I miss Phoenix badly, especially when things are a bit boring around these parts, but what I don't miss about Phoenix is the chaos. The running around, the stress, the temptation, or even the danger - none of that I miss. There's a comfort in being able to ride a bike around town at 2am and not have to worry about a soul being on the road for miles either way. It's very quiet here - and it makes it easier to think things through correctly the first time. 

What I like about Alpine has to do with the Latin concept of Tabula Rasa , or "blank slate". The idea's concept is driven by the idea that humans are not pre-programmed to do anything, and thus are given a "blank slate" on birth to begin to develop their characteristics. Moving to the LITERAL middle of nowhere in a town where no one even knows who you are effectively pushes the "Reset" button on life. I've found myself, and am so sure of myself in a way that I have never been before. But what I continue to struggle with is how to conceptualize my feelings in a way that I can explain to my readers, because I do feel like I'm having some type of special experience. Sometimes I want to leave, but every time I go outside and breathe the air and see the sky under the stars, my mind changes pretty quickly.  But it's a nauseating experience to go back and forth. I just hope that things continue to move forward. And I will keep ya'all posted when they do.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST QUIT?!!

i'm proud to offer an all - time first for there and back again: totally random PG-13 self-pics of myself to the first 1000 readers of this post. hey, it can't hurt page views.

now for your real post: i've recently put more thought into the concepts of sober people (non drug addicts) buying into the argument that with a whole lot of "want" paired with a few AA meetings will end anyone's addiction issue. the overarching theme of arguments of this nature is more or less summed up like this: "they can just quit if they really want to".

this attitude reinforces the already absurd level of contempt that drug addicts face into today's society: kicked out by friends or family, with no one to call for help because suddenly friends don't want to help so much when it comes down to actually being there for someone.

told to go to a halfway house, that while you are there that you won't be able to enjoy some of your most fun hobbies, ones that are so important because it's the only time drugs don't enter my mind, guaranteed. so give up your only joys, your friends, and your home, and go live with a bunch of other drug addicts and felons. you don't get a chance; because you're now a "addict" or an "ex-con", and any potential mistake is a total disaster, causing absurd overreactions, ultimatums, and just more amounts of absurd stress.

so when you want to ask the drug addict in your life, "why can't you just quit", just remember that you are ripping every single positive thing in someone's life, everything they built, people they loved, away from them. then after that, you ask them to deal with mental anguish and isolation, while living in a group home full of other people just as addicted to drugs. and then they need to quit a chemical dependence cold turkey on top of it?

what if by the time you realized you had to quit, there was nothing to quit for?

I feel like shit emotionally.

There, I said it. I sat here for about 5 and a half minutes trying to think of a crafty title for this “vlog” and I don’t think any of them quite convey how I’m feeling like the words above.

( ALSO: SINCE MOST OF YOU WILL NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO, BE ADVISED THAT THIS VIDEO IS NOT REFERRING TO ANYONE OTHER THAN MYSELF. I STATE IT MULTIPLE TIMES THEREIN BUT PLEASE - NO FACEBOOK DRAMA)

Here’s the video:

What does Zach do all day?

Here's my first "VLOG"...LOL

Oh boy. Here we go.

Hey all,
Thanks for coming by. There is some older content on here, this is actually my old blog kind of “re-branded”. Ever since my release from prison, writing has been an outlet for me, but occasionally, I need more than 500 words for it, so that, with my combined passion for making incredibly complex, time consuming web pages, brought this out. This isn’t going to center on one particular topic, but over the next week, I’ll be speaking out regarding some important things. Anything I post is public – you’re welcome to participate. You don’t have to register for Blogger – I spent 3.5 hours getting that “Facebook Comments” thing to work, so utilize it, it’s pretty cool. I’ll write something later today, or tonight. Until then…
Check out the About Me page, which kind of has “a story so far”.
And I’d love for you to read one of my previous posts from a few months ago if you get a chance…
I'm Coming Out (Again)
Some may have read it already, if so, that’s great. Here’s a clip:

With that being said, the whole experience of being locked up in a prison is very much walking on eggshells--if you mess up it could be very bad for you, so you have to be alert at all times. Prison is by far the most polite place I have ever been to -- excuse me, thank you, sorry, was almost required if you didn't want to piss someone off. I got off lucky because I've generally been a polite person my whole life. I was never involved or even came close to being involved in any type of altercation -- generally, I found that if you minded your own business, didn't borrow from a person and run up a bill, and stayed polite, you will most likely not have any problems. 95% of the people in a prison are there to do their time and go.
With that being said, it was a difficult adjustment. My general life experience has not been with a group like this, and I had never even been arrested before this charge. I found it difficult to relate, and will probably always. Convicts and felons live in an entirely different world that non-offenders, down to the places they stay, things they prioritize, relationships, upbringing, and language. In order to really "get along" in prison, your entire paradigm on life has to change. I heard things I never thought I would hear. Generally, almost every single person is in there because of something drugs drove them to do -- even if it's assault, forgery, ID theft, etc, so that's generally the back story. Most of these guys are not bad people at all -- in fact, after my release, I find some to be some of the more real and helpful people I've ever met -- and they are extremely loyal to the people that are close to them. When convicts are released, 95% of the time they have no intention of re-offending, they want to stay sober, but the problem is that because all they have done for the last X amount of years is spend time with other felons, it's extremely hard to go back into a world of people who aren't.

 
Anyway – thanks for checking me (it/this?) out.