lost in the dark side

no too many people have enough knowledge about the way that things "work" in life to know that the "light side" that "normal" folks live in also has a distinct, polar opposite world - for lack of a better term - this world is known as the "dark side". for those of us who have ever been on the other side of a prison wall, the wrong side of a drug addiction, or just been generally lost in life, this is the world you slip into - self-imprisoned with a group of people who are so fixated on a high, a fix, or whatever they're looking for, that they develop an almost permanent sense of moral ambivalence - they aren't necessarily bad (most are actually decent people), but will stop at nothing, constantly trying to either steal, cheat, or just generally run around to whatever lengths possible to extend their buzz, or extend their stay in the dark side without dropping into homelessness.

it's a world that dramatically alters your perceptions on the real world once you arrive back into it. people that you once considered parables to be held high now either seem petty, infantile, or just a waste - so concerned with minute, tiny things that lack importance - or so selfish, that you simply ask them to do once simple thing and they decide to take their ball and go home like a 6 year old boy. you become dramatically more intense, seeking equally intense people and activities to pour your heart into or share your heart with - yet striking out so many times that eventually you begin to quit trying. internalizing your emotions to avoid rejection due to the idea that someone so intense emotionally is "dramatic", "weird", "strange", etc. 

what maybe you don't understand is the darkness, the blackness that we have seen - the coldness of the human personality where the simple fact is, no one cares about you more than drugs, or getting the next move over on you. yet you observed your ability to play along with that game - but then get taken advantage of when you do try to seek the good in a world that is almost a real-life allegory to "gotham city" - dirty, dark, mean, old and sketchy. 

but now that you've seen the world through both sides of the glass, it's almost impossible to ignore. it frames your entire life; tests your every notion of what you've thought of people; lowers your patience levels to those that are considered "flakey" to almost zero.

be patient. 

Liberation Day

So, I've finally found a desktop computer so that I can do a bit of writing. Quite a bit has happened since I slid completely into hell, which was followed by this post, where I launched a pretty miserable pity party for myself. Shortly thereafter, for some reason, my desire to use just subsided, and as that happened, things began to come together quite a bit for me. Unfortunately, with an unstable living situation (anytime you live with crackheads, it's pretty much an uncontrollable slide towards insanity), I decided my best option was to take the offer of a friend and move east - and that landed me here in Alpine, Texas (population 5,900).

Downtown mural (ZC)

I expected a culture shock, and haven't really gotten it. But what I am grateful for is the feeling of being liberated from an addiction that has swallowed my life whole for upwards of a year. It's an incredible feeling when you make the transition from just "being sober", or not using, to actually getting your life back, and feeling like the person you used to be again. Simply put, doing drugs isn't an option here - because I don't know, or even care to find them.

That isn't to simplify the matter, or say that I will never run into an addiction issue ever again - quite the contrary, once you are an addict you are an addict for life. But for the first time in over 2.5 years, I realized that I can have a good time, and be in a good mood - while being sober. I can't say that something necessarily caused that - like say, going to meetings, or joining AA - it just kind of clicked. Meetings were never the answer for me - nor was AA - I simply don't buy the idea of "powerlessness" or some blind faith in an omnipotent being to cure me of my drug addiction. This had to be done my way, or no way at all - and that way included me moving 800 miles east into the middle of nowhere. But it's what it took, and I am clean now. Hopefully to stay, but it is an incredible feeling to have the burdens of having to go chase money or talk to people to get drugs. It's one of the most incredibly liberating feelings I've ever had, and I'm grateful that I figured things out in enough time to have that feeling.   

The mountains south of town. (ZC)

So, the focus of this blog is probably going to shift a bit back to political and pop culture issues, but there will be plenty of personal reflection still left over. My story is far from finished and I hope that you all will stay with me as I navigate West Texas. Thanks for reading.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST QUIT?!!

i'm proud to offer an all - time first for there and back again: totally random PG-13 self-pics of myself to the first 1000 readers of this post. hey, it can't hurt page views.

now for your real post: i've recently put more thought into the concepts of sober people (non drug addicts) buying into the argument that with a whole lot of "want" paired with a few AA meetings will end anyone's addiction issue. the overarching theme of arguments of this nature is more or less summed up like this: "they can just quit if they really want to".

this attitude reinforces the already absurd level of contempt that drug addicts face into today's society: kicked out by friends or family, with no one to call for help because suddenly friends don't want to help so much when it comes down to actually being there for someone.

told to go to a halfway house, that while you are there that you won't be able to enjoy some of your most fun hobbies, ones that are so important because it's the only time drugs don't enter my mind, guaranteed. so give up your only joys, your friends, and your home, and go live with a bunch of other drug addicts and felons. you don't get a chance; because you're now a "addict" or an "ex-con", and any potential mistake is a total disaster, causing absurd overreactions, ultimatums, and just more amounts of absurd stress.

so when you want to ask the drug addict in your life, "why can't you just quit", just remember that you are ripping every single positive thing in someone's life, everything they built, people they loved, away from them. then after that, you ask them to deal with mental anguish and isolation, while living in a group home full of other people just as addicted to drugs. and then they need to quit a chemical dependence cold turkey on top of it?

what if by the time you realized you had to quit, there was nothing to quit for?