lost in the dark side

no too many people have enough knowledge about the way that things "work" in life to know that the "light side" that "normal" folks live in also has a distinct, polar opposite world - for lack of a better term - this world is known as the "dark side". for those of us who have ever been on the other side of a prison wall, the wrong side of a drug addiction, or just been generally lost in life, this is the world you slip into - self-imprisoned with a group of people who are so fixated on a high, a fix, or whatever they're looking for, that they develop an almost permanent sense of moral ambivalence - they aren't necessarily bad (most are actually decent people), but will stop at nothing, constantly trying to either steal, cheat, or just generally run around to whatever lengths possible to extend their buzz, or extend their stay in the dark side without dropping into homelessness.

it's a world that dramatically alters your perceptions on the real world once you arrive back into it. people that you once considered parables to be held high now either seem petty, infantile, or just a waste - so concerned with minute, tiny things that lack importance - or so selfish, that you simply ask them to do once simple thing and they decide to take their ball and go home like a 6 year old boy. you become dramatically more intense, seeking equally intense people and activities to pour your heart into or share your heart with - yet striking out so many times that eventually you begin to quit trying. internalizing your emotions to avoid rejection due to the idea that someone so intense emotionally is "dramatic", "weird", "strange", etc. 

what maybe you don't understand is the darkness, the blackness that we have seen - the coldness of the human personality where the simple fact is, no one cares about you more than drugs, or getting the next move over on you. yet you observed your ability to play along with that game - but then get taken advantage of when you do try to seek the good in a world that is almost a real-life allegory to "gotham city" - dirty, dark, mean, old and sketchy. 

but now that you've seen the world through both sides of the glass, it's almost impossible to ignore. it frames your entire life; tests your every notion of what you've thought of people; lowers your patience levels to those that are considered "flakey" to almost zero.

be patient. 

flashes in the dark

i think the biggest problem i've had since i stopped using is the fact that my desire and skill at writing has gone from something that i considered a strength to something that has become akin to a flash of light in the darkness - fleeting, dim, random, and never bright enough to really matter. when i speak, i feel like instead of tending towards sounding confident, i can sometimes tend to sound shrill, inflexible, or even angry. communicating with people has always been easy for me.

and now it's not. for some reason, my signal's frequency has changed. i went it alone for so long that i forced myself into kind of a social self-imposed exile - and now i'm too scared to come out of it for fear of my fragile, newly-positive life being knocked over like a jenga tower. i don't want to go on dates with boys because i remember how bad it was to be hurt by another person. i remember the hurt, insecurity, mistrust and the endless games. i don't grow close to people - because i don't want to feel like a burden. the few people i have let in are there because they have really proven themselves so much that they have overcome my intense anxiety regarding intimacy (of any kind).

it feels like the part of my brain that controls my interpersonal communication sometimes blows a short. and even though i am incredibly happy with my life right now, for some reason, most days of the week i feel my life is incredibly lonely as well.

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