Friday, February 15, 2013

flashes in the dark



i think the biggest problem i've had since i stopped using is the fact that my desire and skill at writing has gone from something that i considered a strength to something that has become akin to a flash of light in the darkness - fleeting, dim, random, and never bright enough to really matter. when i speak, i feel like instead of tending towards sounding confident, i can sometimes tend to sound shrill, inflexible, or even angry. communicating with people has always been easy for me.

and now it's not. for some reason, my signal's frequency has changed. i went it alone for so long that i forced myself into kind of a social self-imposed exile - and now i'm too scared to come out of it for fear of my fragile, newly-positive life being knocked over like a jenga tower. i don't want to go on dates with boys because i remember how bad it was to be hurt by another person. i remember the hurt, insecurity, mistrust and the endless games. i don't grow close to people - because i don't want to feel like a burden. the few people i have let in are there because they have really proven themselves so much that they have overcome my intense anxiety regarding intimacy (of any kind).

it feels like the part of my brain that controls my interpersonal communication sometimes blows a short. and even though i am incredibly happy with my life right now, for some reason, most days of the week i feel my life is incredibly lonely as well.